My home internet was down. So I called streamyx customer support.
On top of the unpleasant, unprofessional and lousy english, I got this:
B****: "do u have house alarm"
Me: "why is that relevant??"
B****: "sir, i need to know" (unhappy tone)
Me: "why is THAT relevant???"
B****: "sirrrrr i neeed tooo konw" (unhappy tone)
I really want to slap that malay b*****
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Hong Kee 糖水
怡保糖水节出名糖水，这不用多说。
亲临了HONG KEE才了解什么叫好料。
模模查查好浓好浓，料放得甚多，简直今生无悔。
麦粥可口，咽下喉顿时浑身满足。
配食有萝卜糕，虾饼等，
都令人回味无穷无尽。
财记
财记招打牌卖的是菜园鸡鸡饭，
可是要命好吃的是他们的烧肉面。
热腾腾的面捧出来，
吃客或许惊讶色香味都俱全。
可是要命好吃的是他们的烧肉面。
热腾腾的面捧出来，
吃客或许惊讶色香味都俱全。
烧肉不肥（看你运气啦），香脆可口，
咬下去咔咔声响，配上浓浓的肉碎香，
不忘点一杯香咖啡，
人间天堂啊。
财记坐落于芙蓉市。
The Living Cosmos
I came across this interesting concept some time ago.
Beings of Consciousness
Since the dawn of human history, we have described ourselves as being made up of mind, body and soul. The body is like a machine, and the soul drives the machine using the mind.
The universe is made up of energy, so is everything in it, including all of us. We are in a way connected to the universe, so is everything around us - plants, trees, stones et al.
What if the universe is a living entity, a being of consciousness, just like what we are? Imagine us being red blood cells in our bodies. We know of our existences, and the existence of the kinds around us. However, we have not a clue that our collective existence contributes to a higher consciousness, which is our mind and soul.
Mankind's collective existence contributes to a higher consciousness. Some call it God in various names, and have found ways to connect to God.
Ancient Buddhist monks perform deep meditation over many many years in isolation to achieve enlightenment. When meditating, we clear our minds to think of nothing at all. When we succeed in doing that, we connect to the higher consciousness.
And the answer to the purpose of our very existence unveils . . .
Since the dawn of human history, we have described ourselves as being made up of mind, body and soul. The body is like a machine, and the soul drives the machine using the mind.
The universe is made up of energy, so is everything in it, including all of us. We are in a way connected to the universe, so is everything around us - plants, trees, stones et al.
What if the universe is a living entity, a being of consciousness, just like what we are? Imagine us being red blood cells in our bodies. We know of our existences, and the existence of the kinds around us. However, we have not a clue that our collective existence contributes to a higher consciousness, which is our mind and soul.
Mankind's collective existence contributes to a higher consciousness. Some call it God in various names, and have found ways to connect to God.
Ancient Buddhist monks perform deep meditation over many many years in isolation to achieve enlightenment. When meditating, we clear our minds to think of nothing at all. When we succeed in doing that, we connect to the higher consciousness.
And the answer to the purpose of our very existence unveils . . .
Thursday, October 16, 2008
梁智强电影
看了《钱不够用2》，我下了一个定论。梁智强电影不再好看！
曾几何时，梁智强电影有笑有泪，故事剧情流程顺畅，看了还想再看。
可以举大母子说好的有《钱不够用》 和 《小孩不苯》等名作。
最近拍得不怎么好的有：
《我在政府部门的日子》上半部还有梁导的味道，说笑恰到好处，下半部玩弄情感就。。欠佳。。欠佳。
《老师嫁老大》还真的只还可以啦，不怎么好笑，感情也。。没什么感情。看到踢榴莲足球赛我就忍不住掩脸。
《钱不够用2》好多对故事没帮助的电脑效果，而且效果做得一点都不好，删去搞不好没那么碍眼。梁导集中火力搞感情，很多人看了都掉下眼泪。有的稀里哗啦，有的眼眶泛泪。可是哭是因为故事里的黎明的楚楚可怜，说到整体故事的流程与完整-做的不好。
梁智强电影不再好看，我不再有亲善感的戏好期待。
梁导，你或许得想想为什么您的作品失去了该有的味道，为什么梁智强电影不再好看，
好让我们有理由花钱买戏票，刺激日渐下沉的经济。
曾几何时，梁智强电影有笑有泪，故事剧情流程顺畅，看了还想再看。
可以举大母子说好的有《钱不够用》 和 《小孩不苯》等名作。
最近拍得不怎么好的有：
《我在政府部门的日子》上半部还有梁导的味道，说笑恰到好处，下半部玩弄情感就。。欠佳。。欠佳。
《老师嫁老大》还真的只还可以啦，不怎么好笑，感情也。。没什么感情。看到踢榴莲足球赛我就忍不住掩脸。
《钱不够用2》好多对故事没帮助的电脑效果，而且效果做得一点都不好，删去搞不好没那么碍眼。梁导集中火力搞感情，很多人看了都掉下眼泪。有的稀里哗啦，有的眼眶泛泪。可是哭是因为故事里的黎明的楚楚可怜，说到整体故事的流程与完整-做的不好。
梁智强电影不再好看，我不再有亲善感的戏好期待。
梁导，你或许得想想为什么您的作品失去了该有的味道，为什么梁智强电影不再好看，
好让我们有理由花钱买戏票，刺激日渐下沉的经济。
我只在乎你
听苏打绿的《我只在乎你》，
感动似乎无法言语。
这耳熟能详的旋律在青峰的优柔声线划中出完全不一样的感触，
我与太太都特别钟爱，
此时此刻想着：“如果没有遇见你，我将会是在哪里？”
感动似乎无法言语。
这耳熟能详的旋律在青峰的优柔声线划中出完全不一样的感触，
我与太太都特别钟爱，
此时此刻想着：“如果没有遇见你，我将会是在哪里？”
《我只在乎你》
如果没有遇见你,
我将会是在哪里?
日子过得怎么样,
人生是否要珍惜?
也许认识某一人,
过着平凡的日子.
不知道会不会,
也有爱情甜如蜜?
任时光匆匆流去,
我只在乎你.
心甘情愿感染你的气息.
人生几何能够得到知己?
失去生命的力量也不可惜.
所以我求求你,
别让我离开你.
除了你,我不能感到,
一丝丝情意.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
我爱那火热的太阳
我爱那火热的太阳。
早晨的太阳有如热腾腾的早餐，启动那睡意未尽赖床不起的身躯。
午后的太阳有如过度热情的温炉，汗流浃背享受人生的阳光普照。
傍晚的太阳有如橘色的彩色盘，在回家路上画上美不胜收的晚霞。
晚上的太阳有如红杏出墙，到世界另一端给别人温暖。
我爱那火热的太阳。。。呱~
早晨的太阳有如热腾腾的早餐，启动那睡意未尽赖床不起的身躯。
午后的太阳有如过度热情的温炉，汗流浃背享受人生的阳光普照。
傍晚的太阳有如橘色的彩色盘，在回家路上画上美不胜收的晚霞。
晚上的太阳有如红杏出墙，到世界另一端给别人温暖。
我爱那火热的太阳。。。呱~
Saturday, October 11, 2008
盗版与翻译
科技技术？有，他们有。DVD打印出来的比正版还要美，还附送精美盒子，盒子当然比正版更精更美。
市场开拓？有，他们有。市场不必开拓，本来就存在，消费者本来就倾向买盗版。便宜嘛。
销售策略？有，“推销员”反就光明正大在路边街上商场吃饭场所边唱边卖，执法人员也奈何不了。马三送一，不清还可以换。
那话说回来，盗版业前景不就一片光亮美好，有啥可阻挡？
仔细想想，其是还真的什么都有，就欠东风。
不久前看《赤壁》，有一幕就这样念：“陛下，万万不可呀！"。
翻译竟然是：“100000100000 X!", 可恶，这还不笑掉了大牙？
对，要“碰”就要搞好翻译。
难的不提，简单的也还真的不行。
"But it was left unattended!"，翻译是：“可是它左边没人顾呀！”
可想现今的程度真的好不到那里。
盗版商我想也不笨。消费者要好的翻译，他们就得想法子。
以后可能大学毕业生都搞翻译去了，工程师医生都不干，薪水搞不好多的很。
那个时候呀，盗版业就自然而然的“碰”。。。“糊"了。
我向往“And they lived happily ever after ever since"不再是“他们活着到很快乐”的一天。
Yong Sui 样衰
I recently moved to a new workstation to work more closely with my team. I used to sit beside my boss' room, so I thought, well it wouldn't hurt sending him an email about my little migration.
So I fired out a mail, "I have moved to so and so, will catch up with you later!"
"Take care! hope someone better looking takes up your spot :-)", he replied.
". . ."
*待会儿去刮他的车*
So I fired out a mail, "I have moved to so and so, will catch up with you later!"
"Take care! hope someone better looking takes up your spot :-)", he replied.
". . ."
*待会儿去刮他的车*
Datuk Shah Rukh Khan
Globalization - it is obvious the intention of the Malaysia Boleh spirit to expand its influence offshore. Riding on the recent Datukship awarding wave, the Datukship awarding spree has even gone overseas.
The Bollywood heart throb Shah Rwill from now be known as, Datuk Shah Rukh Khan.
Nope you don't need to win an Olympic medal from now on to be called a Datuk.
I wonder what's his contribution to have him earned that award?
The Bollywood heart throb Shah Rwill from now be known as, Datuk Shah Rukh Khan.
Nope you don't need to win an Olympic medal from now on to be called a Datuk.
I wonder what's his contribution to have him earned that award?
Excerpt from The Star, 11 Oct 2008 (http://www.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/10/11/nation/2247333&sec=nation)
Datukship for Shah Rukh Khan
Popular Bollywood actor Shah Rukh Khan is among 77 people to be conferred the Darjah Mulia Seri Melaka (DMSM), which carries the title Datuk, in conjunction with the 70th birthday of Yang di-Pertua Negri Tun Mohd Khalil Yaakob today.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Do You Want MC Ah?
Undisclosed location, Seremban 09:45
"Is it bad?", words shot out like darts from a dart gun. Worried thoughts raced through my mind like sprinters speeding round a race track.
"What do you think? Try shooting yourself in the arms and a few more in your thighs . . .", Agent K cursed. K was badly wounded from Operation Yoga the day before. We had to wait till the sun came up for the medic to arrive.
I looked up and saw the sun hung steadily upon the backdrop blue sky.
"Come on, let's go see the doc", I said as I carefully carried her to our vehicle.
Undisclosed Clinic, Seremban. 10:30
The medic operated in the cover of a General Practitioner in a typical, non elegant, no frills clinic. We went in to find the person at the counter giving us a wink. We winked back 2 times long, 2 times short. It was the agency's secret code. 2 longs and 2 shorts means "we need help now, but we can still tahan". 3 longs and 5 shorts means "cure me now or I'll shoot your brains out". We avoided the latter, choosing peace over violence.
We were told to wait, so as to not blow our cover. We had to wait like any other patients. It was enlightening that we did, as we stumbled upon the greatest ethical standards in medical history.
Medic's Room. 11:24
"What's your problem?", the medic uttered with his eyes locked to his computer screen. The medic was a young lad, late 20s with short hair and was rather well built. He had that cunning smirk on his face that gave you the "please hit me hard here on my left cheek, then right cheek, then forehead" lure.
"Gun shot wounds", K replied calmly, ignoring the inviting impression on his face.
"Okay, any allergies to meds?", words came out like a printing machine churning out prints, bet he recited the same script dozens of times every single day.
"No", K said.
"Headaches?", another print.
"I was shot 8 times MISTER crab brain, what do you think?", I could see it on K's face. But she played nice, "No".
"Slept well?", yet another one.
"!@#$%&$^#*@($*$&#", it showed on K's fists this time. Yet again she played nice, "No".
"你是什么人？(translation: What people are you?. Meaning: what race/dialect group are you from) ", the medic showed no signs of getting any signals from K.
"我是病人(translation: I'm a sick person/patient. Meaning: You nak kena hantam #&#@^@%^ ???)", K gave a vicious look and a murderous stare.
"HA HA HA", the medic finally looked up, not realizing that it was no joke. He stopped when he caught K's stare and was immediately silenced.
The day, ended surprisingly peacefully without bloodshed. The medic managed to prevent a catastrophe by a mere suspension of his craps.
Before leaving the medic's room, he pleasantly asked, "Do you want MC ah?".
"Is it bad?", words shot out like darts from a dart gun. Worried thoughts raced through my mind like sprinters speeding round a race track.
"What do you think? Try shooting yourself in the arms and a few more in your thighs . . .", Agent K cursed. K was badly wounded from Operation Yoga the day before. We had to wait till the sun came up for the medic to arrive.
I looked up and saw the sun hung steadily upon the backdrop blue sky.
"Come on, let's go see the doc", I said as I carefully carried her to our vehicle.
Undisclosed Clinic, Seremban. 10:30
The medic operated in the cover of a General Practitioner in a typical, non elegant, no frills clinic. We went in to find the person at the counter giving us a wink. We winked back 2 times long, 2 times short. It was the agency's secret code. 2 longs and 2 shorts means "we need help now, but we can still tahan". 3 longs and 5 shorts means "cure me now or I'll shoot your brains out". We avoided the latter, choosing peace over violence.
We were told to wait, so as to not blow our cover. We had to wait like any other patients. It was enlightening that we did, as we stumbled upon the greatest ethical standards in medical history.
What was the definition of "sick enough"? Agent K was shot 3 times in the arms and 5 in the thighs. I fathom that was "enough" enough.
We couldn't demand for an MC. Well, fair enough. But how was the medic gonna judge? What if he insisted that K had to get back to work the next day in bandages and stitches?
We couldn't demand for the duration of the MC. Well, again, if the medic was a loser, he'd give a 2 hour MC to K.
Seeing the medic did not automatically qualify for an MC. Well yeah, you've gotta be sick enough, remember?
We had to be in the clinic in the morning, before lunch. Phew it was 11:05. What if K came in with 8 bullet holes at 12:01?
"No no, tengok ini, before lunch time la, come back besok", I imagined the counter saying that and slammin' down the blinds.
MC could be refused if you came in at night. Goes back to the above, before lunch time rule.
We couldn't demand for an MC. Well, fair enough. But how was the medic gonna judge? What if he insisted that K had to get back to work the next day in bandages and stitches?
We couldn't demand for the duration of the MC. Well, again, if the medic was a loser, he'd give a 2 hour MC to K.
Seeing the medic did not automatically qualify for an MC. Well yeah, you've gotta be sick enough, remember?
We had to be in the clinic in the morning, before lunch. Phew it was 11:05. What if K came in with 8 bullet holes at 12:01?
"No no, tengok ini, before lunch time la, come back besok", I imagined the counter saying that and slammin' down the blinds.
MC could be refused if you came in at night. Goes back to the above, before lunch time rule.
Medic's Room. 11:24
"What's your problem?", the medic uttered with his eyes locked to his computer screen. The medic was a young lad, late 20s with short hair and was rather well built. He had that cunning smirk on his face that gave you the "please hit me hard here on my left cheek, then right cheek, then forehead" lure.
"Gun shot wounds", K replied calmly, ignoring the inviting impression on his face.
"Okay, any allergies to meds?", words came out like a printing machine churning out prints, bet he recited the same script dozens of times every single day.
"No", K said.
"Headaches?", another print.
"I was shot 8 times MISTER crab brain, what do you think?", I could see it on K's face. But she played nice, "No".
"Slept well?", yet another one.
"!@#$%&$^#*@($*$&#", it showed on K's fists this time. Yet again she played nice, "No".
"你是什么人？(translation: What people are you?. Meaning: what race/dialect group are you from) ", the medic showed no signs of getting any signals from K.
"我是病人(translation: I'm a sick person/patient. Meaning: You nak kena hantam #&#@^@%^ ???)", K gave a vicious look and a murderous stare.
"HA HA HA", the medic finally looked up, not realizing that it was no joke. He stopped when he caught K's stare and was immediately silenced.
The day, ended surprisingly peacefully without bloodshed. The medic managed to prevent a catastrophe by a mere suspension of his craps.
Before leaving the medic's room, he pleasantly asked, "Do you want MC ah?".
Friday, June 27, 2008
Syok and Awe
D-1 Day
Home. 23:44
"It's ready", a cold, synthesized, mechanical voice came in hard on my ears. Sound waves echoed violently in my head, bouncing off my brain cavity causing tremors that rocked me hard, back into reality. I hung up my cell and stared out blank.
"It is time", I heard myself saying. It was an eerily dark and warm night. But chills from within me made me shiver, because the end was just around the corner.
D-Day
Secret Armory Warehouse, Somewhere out of town. 08:00
The gates to the armory were tall but rusty, painting the impression of an old abandoned warehouse . I flashed my secret agent badge to a uniform in cigarettes. He opened the gates with a push of the button, barely looking at my face.
"So much for top security", I murmured.
" Trop, trop, trop", the motorized gates opened ridiculously slowly like an ancient drawbridge. It was an utter challenge of my patience. I tapped my feet impatiently on the ground.
"I've waited for days, I can wait another 20 seconds . . .", I consoled myself.
"Eh, sabar lah", the guard saw through my facial expression.
I could only return a fake smile.
"Sakit perut lah, boleh cepat sikit", I was surprised with my impromptu ingenuity in making up stories.
I took the lift down 19th levels. It was a secret facility after all. They say the deeper you get the better chances you get from evading enemy detection. The lift cranked all the way down. Perhaps it was time they greased the chains a little. The descent came to an abrupt stop, jerking violently as it did so.
The doors opened to a contrasting reality. It was a 5-star premise with polished marble floors, futuristic wall panels and counters. Smartly dressed employees walked around in heels and briefcases, noses up high with halos of confidence dangling on top of their heads.
"Saya nak cari Agent J", I told the reception. She paged J, barely looking at me. That came with the package of being an undercover secret agent. Not to mention the best.
I took a seat on a posh leather black sofa. It was the most comfortable sofa I've had in years. I amused myself looking at bypassers, waiting for J to appear. The next time I checked my watch, it was an hour later.
"Patience . . .", I consoled myself again. I approached the reception to page J again, in case she forgot.
"Aiyo, mafan lah kamu", I could see it from her face.
It took a good 15 minutes for J to turn up. J was my contact in the agency. I took instructions from J under heavy cover. As secretive as she could get, she passed me some forms to be signed, then she passed me the package.
"This is Little Kina", J said. "You know what to do from here".
Little Kina was an A-Bomb, or AHHH-Bomb. It was designed to deliver a blast so great, that the government had sworn total secrecy in keeping it behind the underground. Literally underground. The target would be totally annihilated and goes "Ahhhhhh!".
I held the payload with great care. The end was even fearfully nearer, in my hands. I was all set to execute Syok and Awe.
D-Day
Eagle's Nest. 10:59
The key to success for Syok and Awe was the element of surprise. Stay low and don't blow your cover. Get in in the blanket of darkness. Plant the payload, detonate, get out alive, and you save the day. You feel syok and the enemy awes at you. That was game plan.
I walked into Eagle's Next with these steps in mind, reciting over and over again like a hamster on treadmills. I hid Little Kina, concealing it well, wouldn't want any arouse any suspicion.
My target was the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord came from the Toilet Dimension, a world made of things you would find in the toilet, including those of organic origin. The Dark Lord vowed to take make us slaves and rule our world.
The government had been on his tail for 10 years. Intel colelcted led to the development Little Kina. If it worked as the brilliant brains thought it would, it would send him back to where he came from. And now it was the moment of truth.
I saw the Dark Lord walking around executing his evil plans. I had to come up with a plan to get him cornered to deliver the ultimate blow. I sent him a text asking him to meet me at a secluded corner to minimze civilian casualties.
He casually obliged, not suspecting that his days were numbered.
"Muahahah ha ha ha", the devil in my laughed out loud. He just couldn't resist.
D-Day
Eagle's Nest, North Wall. 11:30
The sun was up high in the bright blue sky, casting small, round shadows of me on the dry soil. The Dark Lord walked calmly towards me. His breath stinked with a strong stench. I had to tahan, I told myself.
"What ah? si mi tai ji?", the Dark Lord asked in the most malevolent voice.
"No ah no ah, me hoh, got something to tell you . . .", I replied calmly, trying to maintain the element of surprise.
"What jek?", I saw his confused face. He was already one foot in the mouse trap.
"What jek what jek??", he started to get more curious, another foot in the mouse trap.
"Dark lord ah, I got hoh . . . something to give you hoh . . .", I gave him a cunning smirk, confusing him even more.
"What ah?? Present ah?", the scene was set, I was ready to deliver Little Kina.
In a flash, faster than a speeding bullet, I pulled out Little Kina from under my jacket.
"Present your head!! take this . . .", I sang out in a victorious tune.
The Dark Lord looked in horror as he caught Little Kina which I threw at him.
"NOOoooooooo. . .", he cried out loud.
"He he he", I gave a wicked smirk while I pulled out the detonator.
"Why? Tell me why?", the Dark Lord asked, hoping for an answer.
"Because I can . . . ", my words flew like daggers hitting a bulls eye.
I clicked the button, and ducked under a small rock.
"KabooOOoomMMmm . . ."
Home. 23:44
"It's ready", a cold, synthesized, mechanical voice came in hard on my ears. Sound waves echoed violently in my head, bouncing off my brain cavity causing tremors that rocked me hard, back into reality. I hung up my cell and stared out blank.
"It is time", I heard myself saying. It was an eerily dark and warm night. But chills from within me made me shiver, because the end was just around the corner.
D-Day
Secret Armory Warehouse, Somewhere out of town. 08:00
The gates to the armory were tall but rusty, painting the impression of an old abandoned warehouse . I flashed my secret agent badge to a uniform in cigarettes. He opened the gates with a push of the button, barely looking at my face.
"So much for top security", I murmured.
" Trop, trop, trop", the motorized gates opened ridiculously slowly like an ancient drawbridge. It was an utter challenge of my patience. I tapped my feet impatiently on the ground.
"I've waited for days, I can wait another 20 seconds . . .", I consoled myself.
"Eh, sabar lah", the guard saw through my facial expression.
I could only return a fake smile.
"Sakit perut lah, boleh cepat sikit", I was surprised with my impromptu ingenuity in making up stories.
I took the lift down 19th levels. It was a secret facility after all. They say the deeper you get the better chances you get from evading enemy detection. The lift cranked all the way down. Perhaps it was time they greased the chains a little. The descent came to an abrupt stop, jerking violently as it did so.
The doors opened to a contrasting reality. It was a 5-star premise with polished marble floors, futuristic wall panels and counters. Smartly dressed employees walked around in heels and briefcases, noses up high with halos of confidence dangling on top of their heads.
"Saya nak cari Agent J", I told the reception. She paged J, barely looking at me. That came with the package of being an undercover secret agent. Not to mention the best.
I took a seat on a posh leather black sofa. It was the most comfortable sofa I've had in years. I amused myself looking at bypassers, waiting for J to appear. The next time I checked my watch, it was an hour later.
"Patience . . .", I consoled myself again. I approached the reception to page J again, in case she forgot.
"Aiyo, mafan lah kamu", I could see it from her face.
It took a good 15 minutes for J to turn up. J was my contact in the agency. I took instructions from J under heavy cover. As secretive as she could get, she passed me some forms to be signed, then she passed me the package.
"This is Little Kina", J said. "You know what to do from here".
Little Kina was an A-Bomb, or AHHH-Bomb. It was designed to deliver a blast so great, that the government had sworn total secrecy in keeping it behind the underground. Literally underground. The target would be totally annihilated and goes "Ahhhhhh!".
D-Day
Eagle's Nest. 10:59
The key to success for Syok and Awe was the element of surprise. Stay low and don't blow your cover. Get in in the blanket of darkness. Plant the payload, detonate, get out alive, and you save the day. You feel syok and the enemy awes at you. That was game plan.
I walked into Eagle's Next with these steps in mind, reciting over and over again like a hamster on treadmills. I hid Little Kina, concealing it well, wouldn't want any arouse any suspicion.
My target was the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord came from the Toilet Dimension, a world made of things you would find in the toilet, including those of organic origin. The Dark Lord vowed to take make us slaves and rule our world.
The government had been on his tail for 10 years. Intel colelcted led to the development Little Kina. If it worked as the brilliant brains thought it would, it would send him back to where he came from. And now it was the moment of truth.
I saw the Dark Lord walking around executing his evil plans. I had to come up with a plan to get him cornered to deliver the ultimate blow. I sent him a text asking him to meet me at a secluded corner to minimze civilian casualties.
He casually obliged, not suspecting that his days were numbered.
"Muahahah ha ha ha", the devil in my laughed out loud. He just couldn't resist.
D-Day
Eagle's Nest, North Wall. 11:30
The sun was up high in the bright blue sky, casting small, round shadows of me on the dry soil. The Dark Lord walked calmly towards me. His breath stinked with a strong stench. I had to tahan, I told myself.
"What ah? si mi tai ji?", the Dark Lord asked in the most malevolent voice.
"No ah no ah, me hoh, got something to tell you . . .", I replied calmly, trying to maintain the element of surprise.
"What jek?", I saw his confused face. He was already one foot in the mouse trap.
"What jek what jek??", he started to get more curious, another foot in the mouse trap.
"Dark lord ah, I got hoh . . . something to give you hoh . . .", I gave him a cunning smirk, confusing him even more.
"What ah?? Present ah?", the scene was set, I was ready to deliver Little Kina.
In a flash, faster than a speeding bullet, I pulled out Little Kina from under my jacket.
"Present your head!! take this . . .", I sang out in a victorious tune.
The Dark Lord looked in horror as he caught Little Kina which I threw at him.
"NOOoooooooo. . .", he cried out loud.
"He he he", I gave a wicked smirk while I pulled out the detonator.
"Why? Tell me why?", the Dark Lord asked, hoping for an answer.
"Because I can . . . ", my words flew like daggers hitting a bulls eye.
I clicked the button, and ducked under a small rock.
"KabooOOoomMMmm . . ."
D-Day
Eagle's Nest, What Remains of North Wall. 12:14
The earth shook and the sky crackled, followed by utter silence. I stood up to find the the Dark Lord beaten. Little Kina did well. It was the end of the Dark Lord's reign.
I had placed a significant mile stone to the story of my life. I was ready to move on to the next chapter, where greater peaks await to be conquered, and greater evil await to be slain.
Eagle's Nest, What Remains of North Wall. 12:14
The earth shook and the sky crackled, followed by utter silence. I stood up to find the the Dark Lord beaten. Little Kina did well. It was the end of the Dark Lord's reign.
I had placed a significant mile stone to the story of my life. I was ready to move on to the next chapter, where greater peaks await to be conquered, and greater evil await to be slain.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
To Marry A Wife - All in A Days Work (Part 3 - Final)
Chapter 10 : The Journey
The journey from Malacca to Bentong was anything but easy. Surface-to-Air Missiles puffed every where, shockwaves violently shook our vehicles like a train of tsunamis hitting non stop on a naked beach. We cruised high up to a safer altitude past mountains, trenches and thick vegetation. Rain poured heavily but it did not dampen our spirits. We got what we came for after all. Feeling annoyed with going at "governmental regulated" speeds, Sau Koon hit the boosters, and his Honda Civic reached Bentong in a zap.
Bentong was anything but a SMALL town. Having making our maiden trip, we had the impression of a dusty old town in a black-and-white photograph from an old text book. We were flabbergasted that it had rows and rows and rows of new and colonial styled shops, big banks, lots of cars, lots of roads, lots of people, and the sign of all signs of a big place - traffic jams. We were trailing behind cars, painfully navigating the streets in low gear.
A red light blinked, and our radio cracked. Thiaw Seng's overly excited voice echoed loud and clear.
"Follow our car ya~~".
The CRV cruised up front, picking up speed, zig zagging amongst the traffic skillfully, in and out of big roads and small lanes. In no time at all, you guessed it right. We lost him.
"He turned left laaa.."
"No, right!!"
"Left lehhhhh"
"Aiyo, right, don't believe ah? hah??"
We got into an elaborated grown-up intellectual discussion in the cockpit. Nobody had any idea on the whereabouts of the big guy.
We radioed Thiaw Seng for help, "Ah Seng ah, we are at Bentong Hospital, how ah?".
"Let me think ah.........", like a chess player, Thiaw Seng went straight into deep thoughts, and like a stranger to his hometown, he replied, "I think hoh, maybe hoh, you need to U-turn".
". . . . . . ", the sky collapsed on us.
Survival instinct kicked in. Being well trained back in army school and been through life and death situations, we put our minds to work. After analyzing the facts on hand and making calculated moves, we managed to find Air Force One by the road side, roaring loud as ever.
Chapter 11 : Back to Base
We were led to the groom's house. It was a colonial era Chinese style shop house. Historical and nice. Thiaw Seng brought his wife deep inside the base for the long awaited Chinese tea ceremony.
It was now past lunch time. Our tummies growled in synchrony like an orchestra out of Zoo Negara. We helped ourselves to more food. It wasn't a feast, but it tasted like heaven. Buffet-eat-all-you-want-till-you-drop style. I unbuckled my belt to make room for XXXL portions heading towards my guts.
After stuffing myself with so much food I nearly passed out, we were led to our quarters - a hotel near the groom's house. We immediately made ourselves comfortable.
No we're not camera shy
Fishy photo .. up to you imagination
After a quick nap an wash up, we left for the restaurant which was just ..... next door. We made a quick tour around the surroundings with the sole objective of finding the famous ABC shop.
"Behind the bus station ah", we were told by Thiaw Seng. We wandered blindly and to much dismay, we failed to locate the ever well known stall. Our hearts cried monkeys and bananas.
Bentong street scape
Nope, no ABC
The familiar lovely Malaysian weather started to kick in with beads of sweat dripping down our foreheads and our backs. We decided to proceed to the AIR CONDITIONED restaurant.
That's us
Stage Deco
Me and Sau Koon
Sau Koon and Wife
Me and Wife
--- END (at last) ---
A red light blinked, and our radio cracked. Thiaw Seng's overly excited voice echoed loud and clear.
"Follow our car ya~~".
The CRV cruised up front, picking up speed, zig zagging amongst the traffic skillfully, in and out of big roads and small lanes. In no time at all, you guessed it right. We lost him.
"He turned left laaa.."
"No, right!!"
"Left lehhhhh"
"Aiyo, right, don't believe ah? hah??"
We got into an elaborated grown-up intellectual discussion in the cockpit. Nobody had any idea on the whereabouts of the big guy.
We radioed Thiaw Seng for help, "Ah Seng ah, we are at Bentong Hospital, how ah?".
"Let me think ah.........", like a chess player, Thiaw Seng went straight into deep thoughts, and like a stranger to his hometown, he replied, "I think hoh, maybe hoh, you need to U-turn".
". . . . . . ", the sky collapsed on us.
Survival instinct kicked in. Being well trained back in army school and been through life and death situations, we put our minds to work. After analyzing the facts on hand and making calculated moves, we managed to find Air Force One by the road side, roaring loud as ever.
Chapter 11 : Back to Base
We were led to the groom's house. It was a colonial era Chinese style shop house. Historical and nice. Thiaw Seng brought his wife deep inside the base for the long awaited Chinese tea ceremony.
Out of the corner of our eyes, we caught this - an ancient fridge! Indy used it in his latest movie to escape an atomic bomb blast. Wonder how it got here.
It was now past lunch time. Our tummies growled in synchrony like an orchestra out of Zoo Negara. We helped ourselves to more food. It wasn't a feast, but it tasted like heaven. Buffet-eat-all-you-want-till-you-drop style. I unbuckled my belt to make room for XXXL portions heading towards my guts.
After stuffing myself with so much food I nearly passed out, we were led to our quarters - a hotel near the groom's house. We immediately made ourselves comfortable.
No we're not camera shy
Fishy photo .. up to you imagination
After a quick nap an wash up, we left for the restaurant which was just ..... next door. We made a quick tour around the surroundings with the sole objective of finding the famous ABC shop.
"Behind the bus station ah", we were told by Thiaw Seng. We wandered blindly and to much dismay, we failed to locate the ever well known stall. Our hearts cried monkeys and bananas.
Bentong street scape
Nope, no ABC
The familiar lovely Malaysian weather started to kick in with beads of sweat dripping down our foreheads and our backs. We decided to proceed to the AIR CONDITIONED restaurant.
Guest book
The groom himself
The groom himself
That's us
Stage Deco
"7pm can start one lah, we all in Bentong very punctual one....", we were assured by Thiaw Seng's friends earlier at his house.
We waited for a bit before dinner was served. It was served actually on time. KL time.
". . ."
Timing issues aside, we enjoyed the dinner and shared the happiness of Thiaw Seng and Sin Liang, which was carved in sugar sweetness into their smiles that very night. We managed to pose for some shots before heading back to the big city. What a night it was.
We waited for a bit before dinner was served. It was served actually on time. KL time.
". . ."
Timing issues aside, we enjoyed the dinner and shared the happiness of Thiaw Seng and Sin Liang, which was carved in sugar sweetness into their smiles that very night. We managed to pose for some shots before heading back to the big city. What a night it was.
Me and Sau Koon
Sau Koon and Wife
Me and Wife
--- END (at last) ---
Monday, June 9, 2008
To Marry A Wife - All in A Day's Work (Part 2)
Chapter 8 : The Tower
We took careful steps up the winding stairs. Booby traps could be anywhere. Not to mention land mines. Smiles on Thiaw Seng's face showed that the last thing he expected was more resistance. Boy was he so wrong. Out of thin air, the ever annoying Ji Muis puffed out from no where, again.
"MUAH HA HA HA", we heard those evil, yet familiar laughter again.
"Wei, no money no talk ah", the Ji Muis called out, forming a human shield in front of the bride's door, skillfully sticking out a hand for the loot.
We took careful steps up the winding stairs. Booby traps could be anywhere. Not to mention land mines. Smiles on Thiaw Seng's face showed that the last thing he expected was more resistance. Boy was he so wrong. Out of thin air, the ever annoying Ji Muis puffed out from no where, again.
"MUAH HA HA HA", we heard those evil, yet familiar laughter again.
"Wei, no money no talk ah", the Ji Muis called out, forming a human shield in front of the bride's door, skillfully sticking out a hand for the loot.
"Already gave a lot ahhhhhhh!!!!", Thiaw Seng cried in such sorrow, the sun would have cried along.
"Not enough ah! not enough ah! not sincere one!!", the Ji Muis did not budge, as if the groom had gold bars tucked in his suit.
Imagine a scene at the pasar. Auntie and seller Ah Soh fighting over the price,
"Rm5 so expensive ah??"
"Very cheap liao lorrr....."
"Rm 4 la..."
"No no cannot!!"
"Can la can la!!"
The groom eventually gave in. He pulled out a BIG packet from a secret pocket. Goldren glare filled the room, so bright we had to close our eyes lest losing our sights.
The Ji Muis went bling bling, nodded non-stop with big smiles on their faces, "Ok la... open door lorrrr"
What more to say? The groom stormed in and kissed the bride. Primary objective accomplished.
Chapter 9 : Securing The Perimeter
The ceremony took place up in the tower. We retreated back down to the porch to secure the perimeter. Suddenly, like magic, food appeared out of nowhere. Boy weren't we happy.
Happy faces
Food!
More food!
Air Force One roared while we enjoyed the feast, looking out for bayangs of the enemy.
"Not enough ah! not enough ah! not sincere one!!", the Ji Muis did not budge, as if the groom had gold bars tucked in his suit.
Imagine a scene at the pasar. Auntie and seller Ah Soh fighting over the price,
"Rm5 so expensive ah??"
"Very cheap liao lorrr....."
"Rm 4 la..."
"No no cannot!!"
"Can la can la!!"
The groom eventually gave in. He pulled out a BIG packet from a secret pocket. Goldren glare filled the room, so bright we had to close our eyes lest losing our sights.
The Ji Muis went bling bling, nodded non-stop with big smiles on their faces, "Ok la... open door lorrrr"
What more to say? The groom stormed in and kissed the bride. Primary objective accomplished.
Chapter 9 : Securing The Perimeter
The ceremony took place up in the tower. We retreated back down to the porch to secure the perimeter. Suddenly, like magic, food appeared out of nowhere. Boy weren't we happy.
Happy faces
Food!
More food!
Air Force One roared while we enjoyed the feast, looking out for bayangs of the enemy.
Just as we started to get comfy digging in, we saw the couple being walked out into Air Force One, royal style. Air Force One took off, hovering one big round in the Taman, leaving a permanent trail of carbon footprint.
(To be continued)
The entourage enjoyed themselves, knowing more was to come, when they venture into the unknown, making the long journey to Bentong.
(To be continued)
Sunday, June 8, 2008
To Marry A Wife - All In A Day's Work
Chapter 1 : D-3 Day
"Any news?", I almost cried, holding back hard on tears clogging the ducts.
"None at all!", Sau Koon's panicked-half-trembling voice echoed back strongly like a wavefront hitting me hard. Obviously he had hit the panic button.
It was only a few days away, or as English hao lian educated people might say, "Just around the corner LEH...". We had not heard from Thiaw Seng, the groom to be. We were invited to join his entourage to "bring back" his wife on his big day, yet no news whatsoever on any arrangements!
They say that things happen when you pray hard. Funny, because I didn't. Well, groom-to-be called in the nick of time, heroically saved our day and spared us additional mental torments.
"Meet at 6.50am, Serdang Toll", he almost sang it out.
Sau Koon and I made a secret pact that we had to play a role in not supporting the recent petrol price hike. We came up with a deadly plan - to car pool. The plan was, he and his wife pick me and my wife up. Oil and Gas companies earn less. That'll teach them. We slept soundingly knowing that we were leading a revolution.
Chapter 2: D-Day
D-Day came in a blink. I was awoken by my handphone ringing it's way up the roof. Gosh we overslept, and Sau Koon gave a courtesy call to inform that he was ALMOST here.
Goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............!!!
One can only imagine the scene - hell broke loose.
If only I had a phone booth, I might have pulled off a superman-changing-his-underwear-in-a-fraction-second trick. Heck, I only had my toilet. To much disbelief, we pulled off the impossible. We transformed head to toe from a stylo out-of-bed look to, voila ... the Entourage.
With Sau Koon hitting the pedal hard, we blended into the wind. We were faster than a speeding pullet, reaching G-Forces only fighter pilots experienced. We met up with the groom and his bodyguards right on time. That's Malaysian time - 30 minutes late.
Air Force One was a Honda CRV, engine roaring like a monster truck. The left and right wing men pilots were his school mate and Kelvin. Four heavily armed elite units on a mission. The biggest mission of Thiaw Seng's life. "Our primary objective", he briefed, "Bring me back ma' wife!". Engines rolled, we cruised in formation heading towards hostile territory. Our destination was the historiacal city of Malacca.
We sneaked pass Alor Gajah toll, then we took the trunk road leading to the enemy lines to evade detection. We stopped to regroup some mere hundreds of meters from the bride's house. Our local unit, Joseph in his Vios was waiting by the road side. He had been there from dawn, collecting intel right outside the lion's den. A brave man he was. The atmosphere was tense. Thiaw Seng did a final check before the assault, just to find that his wing man - Kelvin was no where in sight!
Chapter 3 : Leave No Men Behind
"Leave no men behind!", I saw him look into the cloudy sky and said. We waited by the roadside while Air Force One turned back to look for missing comrade. Thiaw Seng radioed Kelvin, and it seemed that he lost his way, went all the way up to Ayer Keroh.
Having not had our breakfast, our stomachs gave out. "Let's go down for kopi", SOMEBODY suggested. There we were, in a kopitiam, ordered roti bakar and drinks while waiting for the guys to get back. Being remarkable pilots, Air Force One and his wing man got back before our kopis were served. It was unbelievable. We were flabbergasted. Again, for the 2nd time of the day, hell broke loose. We were in a very very difficult decision to choose between our breakfast and regrouping for the assault.
"Breakfast or Thiaw Seng?", we had to make a decision.
A fog of silence surrealed. Thiaw Seng came marching into the kopitiam. "Leave no men behind", I saw it in his eyes. He was not gonna proceed without us. The indon maid served our drinks like lightning. Quickly and hastily, we downed our kopis like Japs downing beers during their Kan Pai sessions. Being a great leader, Thiaw Seng said "don't worry we still have time". We eventually decided to tah pao our roti bakars and regroup immediately for the assault.
We chose Thiaw Seng over breakfast.
Chapter 4 : The Assault
Air Force One pushed hit the horn like nobody's business.
"Ponnnn....Ponnnn...."
It was not just any horn. It was a war cry. In the olden days they used a war drum. It meant "Charge!!!!!". Sau Koon pushed the horn real hard. It rocked the ground like a seismic event pushing the needle high up the Richter Scale. We were now behind enemy lines.
We stormed the main entrance like a pack of wolves taking on a herd of elephants. We alighted our vehicles and went on foot. We fought our way to the bride's main gate to find ourselves blocked by barricade of female guards - the Ji Muis.
The enemy was ferocious. They held the key to the main gate. The message was pretty simple: "Prove your worth, and we MIGHT give you the key, MUAHA HA HA HA , MUAH HA HA HA HA". Cold sweat drenched our clothes. "What would they do to us ... ?".
Well, God amighty works in miraculous ways. The answer was "served" to us before our thoughts went wild.
"Endure the Four Divine Tastes - Sour, sweet, bitter and spicy", the leader read out with a smirk. "And the path to the key, unfolds.... ". Like a scene out of Narnia, four dishes appeared before our eyes.
Sweet - Sky Juice, with lotsaaaaaa sugar in it. Kelvin stood up to take the shot, bottomed up like a man.
Bitter - A plate of fresly sliced juicy bitter gourd right out from the Malaccan wet market. Low in calories and rich in fiber. We each took a slice, closed our eyes, pegged our noses, and chewed. Fear Factor Malaysian style.
Spicy - Well this is creative, Jamie at Home might have been impressed. Oranges with Chilli Padi and pepper toppings. Each bite drains some juice out from the fruit, mixes with the exotic spice, and gives some real turmoil in the gastric department. Being comrades, we downed 'em while putting on big smiles. Yummmm.....
Sour - A packet of sour plum. Can it get any easier? We passed it to Sophia and Bee Tin as it was their favourite snack.
We neutralized the 1st defence line with no casualties with the enemy retreating further back. We rocked!
Chapter 5 : The Warm Up
Thiaw Seng put his hands up to give a victorious roar. Then he took out a pack of ang pows to hand it over to the leader of the Ji Muis.
"Yerrrrr... not enough!!!!! Yerrr!!!! Yer!!!!", the Ji Muis roared in discontent.
"A lot liao! a lot liao!", Thiaw Seng defended his generousity, insisting that he had given enough.
"Yerrrr no!!!! yerrrr no!!!", the Ji Muis stood strong. It was a stand still. Alas, it seemed like an infinite loop gone wrong.
"Ok, now you have to face the Wrath of the Ji Muis" , an eerie melodic voice filled the ever condensed atmosphere. "If you think you have seen the worst, I have some good news or ya'. That was only warm up, MUAHA HA HA HA HAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!".
We were handed news paper cut-out Hawaiian style "skirts". We were impressed with the handicraft ingenuity and creativity, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they were going to make us wear it. There we were, a group of elite trained forces on a top priorirty mission wearing skirts . We endured the humuliation of dancing and shaking our bon bons in it, caressed by a gentle breeze from nowhere, permanenetly recorded in memory cards in dozens of cameras capturing every angle of the greatest show on earth.
Chapter 6 : The Secret Weapon
"It is time", I saw the grin on the groom's face. He reached into his suit, hands dug in to a secret compartment, where no one has seen and been before. He decided that his men had endured enough. He had to put a stop to this. He grabbed his secret weapon hidden within. A weapon so great, that whoever uses it possesses unimaginable powers. He pulled out a DAMN big red envelop, and stacks of cash inside.
There was dead silence. The Ji Muis opened the packet, overwhelmed by the amounts of wealth under their noses, mouths opened like gold fishes waiting to be fed.
"Ok lahhhhhhh .... can lahhhhh......", Thiaw Seng made the final push. The entourage followed suit "CAN LAHHHHH OIII!!!! CAN LAHHH!!!!". It was so loud that Genting Highlands felt tremors.
"Ok la, can LORRRR", the Ji Muis submitted. Is there anything money can't buy?
Chapter 7 : The Ambush
Thiaw Seng held the key to the main door. He twisted it to open the gate, revealing a whole new challenge ahead. We headed to the stairs leading up to the tower. It was a smooth hike and it felt suspiciously eerie. We were expecting at least a dragon guarding the tower. The Ji Muis were no where in sight. Suddenly, Poof, out of nowhere, the Ji Muis appeared, guarding the stairway to the tower. We were ambushed in thick enemy fire.
"MUAH HA HA HA HA", we heard that evil laugh again, putting our heads in a torrential spin.
"What now ah?? I gave ang pow already WOHHHH", cried the pitiful groom.
"The bride say HOH, you have to express your love to her in this piece of paper", said the Ji Mui.
I crept up front to have a look, and the it was a Japanese cutie pie style sheet of paper, where the groom was supposed to write something mushy.
"I can't help you on this", I told Thiaw Seng.
Thiaw Seng took the pen an started scribbling the love out of his guts in Chinese. Then he handed it in, just to be retaliated by a cry from the Ji Mui, "Must also write in English LAHHHHHHH".
"HARRRrrr????", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed.
Albeit the price hike, an Auntie behind me added some petrol to the burnin' fire, "Ya lo, I cannot read mandarin, have to translate AH!".
We turned to give her a "You Beware" look, which she replied with a "Bring It On" stare.
Before you knew it, Thiaw Seng finished scribbling in English. I was pretty sure it was some I love you, you love me thing, but sadly I did not get the chance to peer into the masterpiece. The Ji Mui delivered the paper to the bride for approval. We waited for an eternity to find the groom's masterpiece not accepted, "She say you not enough creative ah!".
Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed for the second time.
We splashed water on his face to bring him back. The Ji Muis smirked, and said "Ok lah, Sin Liang asked you to sing her a song to declare your love".
Thiaw Seng's eyes lighted up. The Karaoke King ate microphones just for this day. For a brief moment we smelled the fume of victory from the gushing air under the rotating fan. There was a halo coming out from his head.
The Ji Muis panicked, "Sing ah!! sing now ah!!!".
"What to sing lahhhh!?!?!?!?!?!?", we yelled in unison.
"YAH HOH", the embarassed Ji Mui replied. We smiled in our hearts that victory was within grasp.
"Sing Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin", she yelled out loud.
Thiaw Seng sang the first 3 lines, then we sang in unison, world class standard, a song that touched so many people's hearts. We were so confident that we all had halos stickin' out of our heads. Mana tau, Simon Cowell said "Sin Liang say NOT LOUD enough! Sing again!!".
"Aiyooooooooh", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed again.
We repeated the scene once again like Deja Vu. Sin Liang's father was behind me and whispered to me "Don't play so long ah, we need to go to Bentong".
I replied with my most sorrow, angelic cum innocent expression, "We also wish ah, but they don't let wohhh". :~(
Sin Liang's father tapped on my shoulder and heads down, we sighed together.
"OK LAHHHHHHH!!!", evil voices from the Ji Muis broke the train of thoughts running through my head. Seemed like Thiaw Seng had managed to suppress the resistance with another big packet of ang pow.
We charged up the stairs, heading up to the tower.
(To be continued)
"Any news?", I almost cried, holding back hard on tears clogging the ducts.
"None at all!", Sau Koon's panicked-half-trembling voice echoed back strongly like a wavefront hitting me hard. Obviously he had hit the panic button.
It was only a few days away, or as English hao lian educated people might say, "Just around the corner LEH...". We had not heard from Thiaw Seng, the groom to be. We were invited to join his entourage to "bring back" his wife on his big day, yet no news whatsoever on any arrangements!
They say that things happen when you pray hard. Funny, because I didn't. Well, groom-to-be called in the nick of time, heroically saved our day and spared us additional mental torments.
"Meet at 6.50am, Serdang Toll", he almost sang it out.
Sau Koon and I made a secret pact that we had to play a role in not supporting the recent petrol price hike. We came up with a deadly plan - to car pool. The plan was, he and his wife pick me and my wife up. Oil and Gas companies earn less. That'll teach them. We slept soundingly knowing that we were leading a revolution.
Chapter 2: D-Day
D-Day came in a blink. I was awoken by my handphone ringing it's way up the roof. Gosh we overslept, and Sau Koon gave a courtesy call to inform that he was ALMOST here.
Goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............!!!
One can only imagine the scene - hell broke loose.
If only I had a phone booth, I might have pulled off a superman-changing-his-underwear-in-a-fraction-second trick. Heck, I only had my toilet. To much disbelief, we pulled off the impossible. We transformed head to toe from a stylo out-of-bed look to, voila ... the Entourage.
With Sau Koon hitting the pedal hard, we blended into the wind. We were faster than a speeding pullet, reaching G-Forces only fighter pilots experienced. We met up with the groom and his bodyguards right on time. That's Malaysian time - 30 minutes late.
Air Force One was a Honda CRV, engine roaring like a monster truck. The left and right wing men pilots were his school mate and Kelvin. Four heavily armed elite units on a mission. The biggest mission of Thiaw Seng's life. "Our primary objective", he briefed, "Bring me back ma' wife!". Engines rolled, we cruised in formation heading towards hostile territory. Our destination was the historiacal city of Malacca.
We sneaked pass Alor Gajah toll, then we took the trunk road leading to the enemy lines to evade detection. We stopped to regroup some mere hundreds of meters from the bride's house. Our local unit, Joseph in his Vios was waiting by the road side. He had been there from dawn, collecting intel right outside the lion's den. A brave man he was. The atmosphere was tense. Thiaw Seng did a final check before the assault, just to find that his wing man - Kelvin was no where in sight!
Chapter 3 : Leave No Men Behind
"Leave no men behind!", I saw him look into the cloudy sky and said. We waited by the roadside while Air Force One turned back to look for missing comrade. Thiaw Seng radioed Kelvin, and it seemed that he lost his way, went all the way up to Ayer Keroh.
Having not had our breakfast, our stomachs gave out. "Let's go down for kopi", SOMEBODY suggested. There we were, in a kopitiam, ordered roti bakar and drinks while waiting for the guys to get back. Being remarkable pilots, Air Force One and his wing man got back before our kopis were served. It was unbelievable. We were flabbergasted. Again, for the 2nd time of the day, hell broke loose. We were in a very very difficult decision to choose between our breakfast and regrouping for the assault.
"Breakfast or Thiaw Seng?", we had to make a decision.
A fog of silence surrealed. Thiaw Seng came marching into the kopitiam. "Leave no men behind", I saw it in his eyes. He was not gonna proceed without us. The indon maid served our drinks like lightning. Quickly and hastily, we downed our kopis like Japs downing beers during their Kan Pai sessions. Being a great leader, Thiaw Seng said "don't worry we still have time". We eventually decided to tah pao our roti bakars and regroup immediately for the assault.
We chose Thiaw Seng over breakfast.
Chapter 4 : The Assault
Air Force One pushed hit the horn like nobody's business.
"Ponnnn....Ponnnn...."
It was not just any horn. It was a war cry. In the olden days they used a war drum. It meant "Charge!!!!!". Sau Koon pushed the horn real hard. It rocked the ground like a seismic event pushing the needle high up the Richter Scale. We were now behind enemy lines.
The enemy was ferocious. They held the key to the main gate. The message was pretty simple: "Prove your worth, and we MIGHT give you the key, MUAHA HA HA HA , MUAH HA HA HA HA". Cold sweat drenched our clothes. "What would they do to us ... ?".
Well, God amighty works in miraculous ways. The answer was "served" to us before our thoughts went wild.
"Endure the Four Divine Tastes - Sour, sweet, bitter and spicy", the leader read out with a smirk. "And the path to the key, unfolds.... ". Like a scene out of Narnia, four dishes appeared before our eyes.
Sweet - Sky Juice, with lotsaaaaaa sugar in it. Kelvin stood up to take the shot, bottomed up like a man.
Bitter - A plate of fresly sliced juicy bitter gourd right out from the Malaccan wet market. Low in calories and rich in fiber. We each took a slice, closed our eyes, pegged our noses, and chewed. Fear Factor Malaysian style.
Spicy - Well this is creative, Jamie at Home might have been impressed. Oranges with Chilli Padi and pepper toppings. Each bite drains some juice out from the fruit, mixes with the exotic spice, and gives some real turmoil in the gastric department. Being comrades, we downed 'em while putting on big smiles. Yummmm.....
Sour - A packet of sour plum. Can it get any easier? We passed it to Sophia and Bee Tin as it was their favourite snack.
We neutralized the 1st defence line with no casualties with the enemy retreating further back. We rocked!
Chapter 5 : The Warm Up
Thiaw Seng put his hands up to give a victorious roar. Then he took out a pack of ang pows to hand it over to the leader of the Ji Muis.
"Yerrrrr... not enough!!!!! Yerrr!!!! Yer!!!!", the Ji Muis roared in discontent.
"A lot liao! a lot liao!", Thiaw Seng defended his generousity, insisting that he had given enough.
"Yerrrr no!!!! yerrrr no!!!", the Ji Muis stood strong. It was a stand still. Alas, it seemed like an infinite loop gone wrong.
"Ok, now you have to face the Wrath of the Ji Muis" , an eerie melodic voice filled the ever condensed atmosphere. "If you think you have seen the worst, I have some good news or ya'. That was only warm up, MUAHA HA HA HA HAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!".
We were handed news paper cut-out Hawaiian style "skirts". We were impressed with the handicraft ingenuity and creativity, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they were going to make us wear it. There we were, a group of elite trained forces on a top priorirty mission wearing skirts . We endured the humuliation of dancing and shaking our bon bons in it, caressed by a gentle breeze from nowhere, permanenetly recorded in memory cards in dozens of cameras capturing every angle of the greatest show on earth.
Chapter 6 : The Secret Weapon
"It is time", I saw the grin on the groom's face. He reached into his suit, hands dug in to a secret compartment, where no one has seen and been before. He decided that his men had endured enough. He had to put a stop to this. He grabbed his secret weapon hidden within. A weapon so great, that whoever uses it possesses unimaginable powers. He pulled out a DAMN big red envelop, and stacks of cash inside.
There was dead silence. The Ji Muis opened the packet, overwhelmed by the amounts of wealth under their noses, mouths opened like gold fishes waiting to be fed.
"Ok lahhhhhhh .... can lahhhhh......", Thiaw Seng made the final push. The entourage followed suit "CAN LAHHHHH OIII!!!! CAN LAHHH!!!!". It was so loud that Genting Highlands felt tremors.
"Ok la, can LORRRR", the Ji Muis submitted. Is there anything money can't buy?
Chapter 7 : The Ambush
Thiaw Seng held the key to the main door. He twisted it to open the gate, revealing a whole new challenge ahead. We headed to the stairs leading up to the tower. It was a smooth hike and it felt suspiciously eerie. We were expecting at least a dragon guarding the tower. The Ji Muis were no where in sight. Suddenly, Poof, out of nowhere, the Ji Muis appeared, guarding the stairway to the tower. We were ambushed in thick enemy fire.
"MUAH HA HA HA HA", we heard that evil laugh again, putting our heads in a torrential spin.
"What now ah?? I gave ang pow already WOHHHH", cried the pitiful groom.
"The bride say HOH, you have to express your love to her in this piece of paper", said the Ji Mui.
I crept up front to have a look, and the it was a Japanese cutie pie style sheet of paper, where the groom was supposed to write something mushy.
"I can't help you on this", I told Thiaw Seng.
Thiaw Seng took the pen an started scribbling the love out of his guts in Chinese. Then he handed it in, just to be retaliated by a cry from the Ji Mui, "Must also write in English LAHHHHHHH".
"HARRRrrr????", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed.
Albeit the price hike, an Auntie behind me added some petrol to the burnin' fire, "Ya lo, I cannot read mandarin, have to translate AH!".
We turned to give her a "You Beware" look, which she replied with a "Bring It On" stare.
Before you knew it, Thiaw Seng finished scribbling in English. I was pretty sure it was some I love you, you love me thing, but sadly I did not get the chance to peer into the masterpiece. The Ji Mui delivered the paper to the bride for approval. We waited for an eternity to find the groom's masterpiece not accepted, "She say you not enough creative ah!".
Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed for the second time.
We splashed water on his face to bring him back. The Ji Muis smirked, and said "Ok lah, Sin Liang asked you to sing her a song to declare your love".
Thiaw Seng's eyes lighted up. The Karaoke King ate microphones just for this day. For a brief moment we smelled the fume of victory from the gushing air under the rotating fan. There was a halo coming out from his head.
The Ji Muis panicked, "Sing ah!! sing now ah!!!".
"What to sing lahhhh!?!?!?!?!?!?", we yelled in unison.
"YAH HOH", the embarassed Ji Mui replied. We smiled in our hearts that victory was within grasp.
"Sing Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin", she yelled out loud.
Thiaw Seng sang the first 3 lines, then we sang in unison, world class standard, a song that touched so many people's hearts. We were so confident that we all had halos stickin' out of our heads. Mana tau, Simon Cowell said "Sin Liang say NOT LOUD enough! Sing again!!".
"Aiyooooooooh", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed again.
We repeated the scene once again like Deja Vu. Sin Liang's father was behind me and whispered to me "Don't play so long ah, we need to go to Bentong".
I replied with my most sorrow, angelic cum innocent expression, "We also wish ah, but they don't let wohhh". :~(
Sin Liang's father tapped on my shoulder and heads down, we sighed together.
"OK LAHHHHHHH!!!", evil voices from the Ji Muis broke the train of thoughts running through my head. Seemed like Thiaw Seng had managed to suppress the resistance with another big packet of ang pow.
We charged up the stairs, heading up to the tower.
(To be continued)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
