"Any news?", I almost cried, holding back hard on tears clogging the ducts.
"None at all!", Sau Koon's panicked-half-trembling voice echoed back strongly like a wavefront hitting me hard. Obviously he had hit the panic button.
It was only a few days away, or as English hao lian educated people might say, "Just around the corner LEH...". We had not heard from Thiaw Seng, the groom to be. We were invited to join his entourage to "bring back" his wife on his big day, yet no news whatsoever on any arrangements!
They say that things happen when you pray hard. Funny, because I didn't. Well, groom-to-be called in the nick of time, heroically saved our day and spared us additional mental torments.
"Meet at 6.50am, Serdang Toll", he almost sang it out.
Sau Koon and I made a secret pact that we had to play a role in not supporting the recent petrol price hike. We came up with a deadly plan - to car pool. The plan was, he and his wife pick me and my wife up. Oil and Gas companies earn less. That'll teach them. We slept soundingly knowing that we were leading a revolution.
Chapter 2: D-Day
D-Day came in a blink. I was awoken by my handphone ringing it's way up the roof. Gosh we overslept, and Sau Koon gave a courtesy call to inform that he was ALMOST here.
Goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............!!!
One can only imagine the scene - hell broke loose.
If only I had a phone booth, I might have pulled off a superman-changing-his-underwear-in-a-fraction-second trick. Heck, I only had my toilet. To much disbelief, we pulled off the impossible. We transformed head to toe from a stylo out-of-bed look to, voila ... the Entourage.
With Sau Koon hitting the pedal hard, we blended into the wind. We were faster than a speeding pullet, reaching G-Forces only fighter pilots experienced. We met up with the groom and his bodyguards right on time. That's Malaysian time - 30 minutes late.
Air Force One was a Honda CRV, engine roaring like a monster truck. The left and right wing men pilots were his school mate and Kelvin. Four heavily armed elite units on a mission. The biggest mission of Thiaw Seng's life. "Our primary objective", he briefed, "Bring me back ma' wife!". Engines rolled, we cruised in formation heading towards hostile territory. Our destination was the historiacal city of Malacca.
We sneaked pass Alor Gajah toll, then we took the trunk road leading to the enemy lines to evade detection. We stopped to regroup some mere hundreds of meters from the bride's house. Our local unit, Joseph in his Vios was waiting by the road side. He had been there from dawn, collecting intel right outside the lion's den. A brave man he was. The atmosphere was tense. Thiaw Seng did a final check before the assault, just to find that his wing man - Kelvin was no where in sight!
Chapter 3 : Leave No Men Behind
"Leave no men behind!", I saw him look into the cloudy sky and said. We waited by the roadside while Air Force One turned back to look for missing comrade. Thiaw Seng radioed Kelvin, and it seemed that he lost his way, went all the way up to Ayer Keroh.
Having not had our breakfast, our stomachs gave out. "Let's go down for kopi", SOMEBODY suggested. There we were, in a kopitiam, ordered roti bakar and drinks while waiting for the guys to get back. Being remarkable pilots, Air Force One and his wing man got back before our kopis were served. It was unbelievable. We were flabbergasted. Again, for the 2nd time of the day, hell broke loose. We were in a very very difficult decision to choose between our breakfast and regrouping for the assault.
"Breakfast or Thiaw Seng?", we had to make a decision.
A fog of silence surrealed. Thiaw Seng came marching into the kopitiam. "Leave no men behind", I saw it in his eyes. He was not gonna proceed without us. The indon maid served our drinks like lightning. Quickly and hastily, we downed our kopis like Japs downing beers during their Kan Pai sessions. Being a great leader, Thiaw Seng said "don't worry we still have time". We eventually decided to tah pao our roti bakars and regroup immediately for the assault.
We chose Thiaw Seng over breakfast.
Chapter 4 : The Assault
Air Force One pushed hit the horn like nobody's business.
"Ponnnn....Ponnnn...."
It was not just any horn. It was a war cry. In the olden days they used a war drum. It meant "Charge!!!!!". Sau Koon pushed the horn real hard. It rocked the ground like a seismic event pushing the needle high up the Richter Scale. We were now behind enemy lines.
The enemy was ferocious. They held the key to the main gate. The message was pretty simple: "Prove your worth, and we MIGHT give you the key, MUAHA HA HA HA , MUAH HA HA HA HA". Cold sweat drenched our clothes. "What would they do to us ... ?".
Well, God amighty works in miraculous ways. The answer was "served" to us before our thoughts went wild.
"Endure the Four Divine Tastes - Sour, sweet, bitter and spicy", the leader read out with a smirk. "And the path to the key, unfolds.... ". Like a scene out of Narnia, four dishes appeared before our eyes.
Sweet - Sky Juice, with lotsaaaaaa sugar in it. Kelvin stood up to take the shot, bottomed up like a man.
Bitter - A plate of fresly sliced juicy bitter gourd right out from the Malaccan wet market. Low in calories and rich in fiber. We each took a slice, closed our eyes, pegged our noses, and chewed. Fear Factor Malaysian style.
Spicy - Well this is creative, Jamie at Home might have been impressed. Oranges with Chilli Padi and pepper toppings. Each bite drains some juice out from the fruit, mixes with the exotic spice, and gives some real turmoil in the gastric department. Being comrades, we downed 'em while putting on big smiles. Yummmm.....
Sour - A packet of sour plum. Can it get any easier? We passed it to Sophia and Bee Tin as it was their favourite snack.
We neutralized the 1st defence line with no casualties with the enemy retreating further back. We rocked!
Chapter 5 : The Warm Up
Thiaw Seng put his hands up to give a victorious roar. Then he took out a pack of ang pows to hand it over to the leader of the Ji Muis.
"Yerrrrr... not enough!!!!! Yerrr!!!! Yer!!!!", the Ji Muis roared in discontent.
"A lot liao! a lot liao!", Thiaw Seng defended his generousity, insisting that he had given enough.
"Yerrrr no!!!! yerrrr no!!!", the Ji Muis stood strong. It was a stand still. Alas, it seemed like an infinite loop gone wrong.
"Ok, now you have to face the Wrath of the Ji Muis" , an eerie melodic voice filled the ever condensed atmosphere. "If you think you have seen the worst, I have some good news or ya'. That was only warm up, MUAHA HA HA HA HAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!".
We were handed news paper cut-out Hawaiian style "skirts". We were impressed with the handicraft ingenuity and creativity, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they were going to make us wear it. There we were, a group of elite trained forces on a top priorirty mission wearing skirts . We endured the humuliation of dancing and shaking our bon bons in it, caressed by a gentle breeze from nowhere, permanenetly recorded in memory cards in dozens of cameras capturing every angle of the greatest show on earth.
Chapter 6 : The Secret Weapon
"It is time", I saw the grin on the groom's face. He reached into his suit, hands dug in to a secret compartment, where no one has seen and been before. He decided that his men had endured enough. He had to put a stop to this. He grabbed his secret weapon hidden within. A weapon so great, that whoever uses it possesses unimaginable powers. He pulled out a DAMN big red envelop, and stacks of cash inside.
There was dead silence. The Ji Muis opened the packet, overwhelmed by the amounts of wealth under their noses, mouths opened like gold fishes waiting to be fed.
"Ok lahhhhhhh .... can lahhhhh......", Thiaw Seng made the final push. The entourage followed suit "CAN LAHHHHH OIII!!!! CAN LAHHH!!!!". It was so loud that Genting Highlands felt tremors.
"Ok la, can LORRRR", the Ji Muis submitted. Is there anything money can't buy?
Chapter 7 : The Ambush
Thiaw Seng held the key to the main door. He twisted it to open the gate, revealing a whole new challenge ahead. We headed to the stairs leading up to the tower. It was a smooth hike and it felt suspiciously eerie. We were expecting at least a dragon guarding the tower. The Ji Muis were no where in sight. Suddenly, Poof, out of nowhere, the Ji Muis appeared, guarding the stairway to the tower. We were ambushed in thick enemy fire.
"MUAH HA HA HA HA", we heard that evil laugh again, putting our heads in a torrential spin.
"What now ah?? I gave ang pow already WOHHHH", cried the pitiful groom.
"The bride say HOH, you have to express your love to her in this piece of paper", said the Ji Mui.
I crept up front to have a look, and the it was a Japanese cutie pie style sheet of paper, where the groom was supposed to write something mushy.
"I can't help you on this", I told Thiaw Seng.
Thiaw Seng took the pen an started scribbling the love out of his guts in Chinese. Then he handed it in, just to be retaliated by a cry from the Ji Mui, "Must also write in English LAHHHHHHH".
"HARRRrrr????", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed.
Albeit the price hike, an Auntie behind me added some petrol to the burnin' fire, "Ya lo, I cannot read mandarin, have to translate AH!".
We turned to give her a "You Beware" look, which she replied with a "Bring It On" stare.
Before you knew it, Thiaw Seng finished scribbling in English. I was pretty sure it was some I love you, you love me thing, but sadly I did not get the chance to peer into the masterpiece. The Ji Mui delivered the paper to the bride for approval. We waited for an eternity to find the groom's masterpiece not accepted, "She say you not enough creative ah!".
Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed for the second time.
We splashed water on his face to bring him back. The Ji Muis smirked, and said "Ok lah, Sin Liang asked you to sing her a song to declare your love".
Thiaw Seng's eyes lighted up. The Karaoke King ate microphones just for this day. For a brief moment we smelled the fume of victory from the gushing air under the rotating fan. There was a halo coming out from his head.
The Ji Muis panicked, "Sing ah!! sing now ah!!!".
"What to sing lahhhh!?!?!?!?!?!?", we yelled in unison.
"YAH HOH", the embarassed Ji Mui replied. We smiled in our hearts that victory was within grasp.
"Sing Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin", she yelled out loud.
Thiaw Seng sang the first 3 lines, then we sang in unison, world class standard, a song that touched so many people's hearts. We were so confident that we all had halos stickin' out of our heads. Mana tau, Simon Cowell said "Sin Liang say NOT LOUD enough! Sing again!!".
"Aiyooooooooh", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed again.
We repeated the scene once again like Deja Vu. Sin Liang's father was behind me and whispered to me "Don't play so long ah, we need to go to Bentong".
I replied with my most sorrow, angelic cum innocent expression, "We also wish ah, but they don't let wohhh". :~(
Sin Liang's father tapped on my shoulder and heads down, we sighed together.
"OK LAHHHHHHH!!!", evil voices from the Ji Muis broke the train of thoughts running through my head. Seemed like Thiaw Seng had managed to suppress the resistance with another big packet of ang pow.
We charged up the stairs, heading up to the tower.
(To be continued)
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