Syok and Awe

D-1 Day
Home. 23:44

"It's ready", a cold, synthesized, mechanical voice came in hard on my ears. Sound waves echoed violently in my head, bouncing off my brain cavity causing tremors that rocked me hard, back into reality. I hung up my cell and stared out blank.

"It is time", I heard myself saying. It was an eerily dark and warm night. But chills from within me made me shiver, because the end was just around the corner.

D-Day
Secret Armory Warehouse, Somewhere out of town. 08:00

The gates to the armory were tall but rusty, painting the impression of an old abandoned warehouse . I flashed my secret agent badge to a uniform in cigarettes. He opened the gates with a push of the button, barely looking at my face.

"So much for top security", I murmured.

" Trop, trop, trop", the motorized gates opened ridiculously slowly like an ancient drawbridge. It was an utter challenge of my patience. I tapped my feet impatiently on the ground.

"I've waited for days, I can wait another 20 seconds . . .", I consoled myself.

"Eh, sabar lah", the guard saw through my facial expression.

I could only return a fake smile.

"Sakit perut lah, boleh cepat sikit", I was surprised with my impromptu ingenuity in making up stories.

I took the lift down 19th levels. It was a secret facility after all. They say the deeper you get the better chances you get from evading enemy detection. The lift cranked all the way down. Perhaps it was time they greased the chains a little. The descent came to an abrupt stop, jerking violently as it did so.

The doors opened to a contrasting reality. It was a 5-star premise with polished marble floors, futuristic wall panels and counters. Smartly dressed employees walked around in heels and briefcases, noses up high with halos of confidence dangling on top of their heads.

"Saya nak cari Agent J", I told the reception. She paged J, barely looking at me. That came with the package of being an undercover secret agent. Not to mention the best.

I took a seat on a posh leather black sofa. It was the most comfortable sofa I've had in years. I amused myself looking at bypassers, waiting for J to appear. The next time I checked my watch, it was an hour later.

"Patience . . .", I consoled myself again. I approached the reception to page J again, in case she forgot.

"Aiyo, mafan lah kamu", I could see it from her face.

It took a good 15 minutes for J to turn up. J was my contact in the agency. I took instructions from J under heavy cover. As secretive as she could get, she passed me some forms to be signed, then she passed me the package.

"This is Little Kina", J said. "You know what to do from here".

Little Kina was an A-Bomb, or AHHH-Bomb. It was designed to deliver a blast so great, that the government had sworn total secrecy in keeping it behind the underground. Literally underground. The target would be totally annihilated and goes "Ahhhhhh!".

I held the payload with great care. The end was even fearfully nearer, in my hands. I was all set to execute Syok and Awe.

D-Day
Eagle's Nest. 10:59

The key to success for Syok and Awe was the element of surprise. Stay low and don't blow your cover. Get in in the blanket of darkness. Plant the payload, detonate, get out alive, and you save the day. You feel syok and the enemy awes at you. That was game plan.

I walked into Eagle's Next with these steps in mind, reciting over and over again like a hamster on treadmills. I hid Little Kina, concealing it well, wouldn't want any arouse any suspicion.

My target was the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord came from the Toilet Dimension, a world made of things you would find in the toilet, including those of organic origin. The Dark Lord vowed to take make us slaves and rule our world.

The government had been on his tail for 10 years. Intel colelcted led to the development Little Kina. If it worked as the brilliant brains thought it would, it would send him back to where he came from. And now it was the moment of truth.

I saw the Dark Lord walking around executing his evil plans. I had to come up with a plan to get him cornered to deliver the ultimate blow. I sent him a text asking him to meet me at a secluded corner to minimze civilian casualties.

He casually obliged, not suspecting that his days were numbered.

"Muahahah ha ha ha", the devil in my laughed out loud. He just couldn't resist.

D-Day
Eagle's Nest, North Wall. 11:30

The sun was up high in the bright blue sky, casting small, round shadows of me on the dry soil. The Dark Lord walked calmly towards me. His breath stinked with a strong stench. I had to tahan, I told myself.

"What ah? si mi tai ji?", the Dark Lord asked in the most malevolent voice.

"No ah no ah, me hoh, got something to tell you . . .", I replied calmly, trying to maintain the element of surprise.

"What jek?", I saw his confused face. He was already one foot in the mouse trap.

"What jek what jek??", he started to get more curious, another foot in the mouse trap.

"Dark lord ah, I got hoh . . . something to give you hoh . . .", I gave him a cunning smirk, confusing him even more.

"What ah?? Present ah?", the scene was set, I was ready to deliver Little Kina.

In a flash, faster than a speeding bullet, I pulled out Little Kina from under my jacket.

"Present your head!! take this . . .", I sang out in a victorious tune.

The Dark Lord looked in horror as he caught Little Kina which I threw at him.

"NOOoooooooo. . .", he cried out loud.

"He he he", I gave a wicked smirk while I pulled out the detonator.

"Why? Tell me why?", the Dark Lord asked, hoping for an answer.

"Because I can . . . ", my words flew like daggers hitting a bulls eye.

I clicked the button, and ducked under a small rock.

"KabooOOoomMMmm . . ."

D-Day
Eagle's Nest, What Remains of North Wall. 12:14

The earth shook and the sky crackled, followed by utter silence. I stood up to find the the Dark Lord beaten. Little Kina did well. It was the end of the Dark Lord's reign.

I had placed a significant mile stone to the story of my life. I was ready to move on to the next chapter, where greater peaks await to be conquered, and greater evil await to be slain.

To Marry A Wife - All in A Days Work (Part 3 - Final)

Chapter 10 : The Journey

The journey from Malacca to Bentong was anything but easy. Surface-to-Air Missiles puffed every where, shockwaves violently shook our vehicles like a train of tsunamis hitting non stop on a naked beach. We cruised high up to a safer altitude past mountains, trenches and thick vegetation. Rain poured heavily but it did not dampen our spirits. We got what we came for after all. Feeling annoyed with going at "governmental regulated" speeds, Sau Koon hit the boosters, and his Honda Civic reached Bentong in a zap.

Bentong was anything but a SMALL town. Having making our maiden trip, we had the impression of a dusty old town in a black-and-white photograph from an old text book. We were flabbergasted that it had rows and rows and rows of new and colonial styled shops, big banks, lots of cars, lots of roads, lots of people, and the sign of all signs of a big place - traffic jams. We were trailing behind cars, painfully navigating the streets in low gear.

A red light blinked, and our radio cracked. Thiaw Seng's overly excited voice echoed loud and clear.

"Follow our car ya~~".

The CRV cruised up front, picking up speed, zig zagging amongst the traffic skillfully, in and out of big roads and small lanes. In no time at all, you guessed it right. We lost him.

"He turned left laaa.."

"No, right!!"

"Left lehhhhh"

"Aiyo, right, don't believe ah? hah??"

We got into an elaborated grown-up intellectual discussion in the cockpit. Nobody had any idea on the whereabouts of the big guy.

We radioed Thiaw Seng for help, "Ah Seng ah, we are at Bentong Hospital, how ah?".

"Let me think ah.........", like a chess player, Thiaw Seng went straight into deep thoughts, and like a stranger to his hometown, he replied, "I think hoh, maybe hoh, you need to U-turn".

". . . . . . ", the sky collapsed on us.

Survival instinct kicked in. Being well trained back in army school and been through life and death situations, we put our minds to work. After analyzing the facts on hand and making calculated moves, we managed to find Air Force One by the road side, roaring loud as ever.

Chapter 11 : Back to Base

We were led to the groom's house. It was a colonial era Chinese style shop house. Historical and nice. Thiaw Seng brought his wife deep inside the base for the long awaited Chinese tea ceremony.

Out of the corner of our eyes, we caught this - an ancient fridge! Indy used it in his latest movie to escape an atomic bomb blast. Wonder how it got here.

It was now past lunch time. Our tummies growled in synchrony like an orchestra out of Zoo Negara. We helped ourselves to more food. It wasn't a feast, but it tasted like heaven. Buffet-eat-all-you-want-till-you-drop style. I unbuckled my belt to make room for XXXL portions heading towards my guts.

After stuffing myself with so much food I nearly passed out, we were led to our quarters - a hotel near the groom's house. We immediately made ourselves comfortable.

No we're not camera shy

Fishy photo .. up to you imagination

After a quick nap an wash up, we left for the restaurant which was just ..... next door. We made a quick tour around the surroundings with the sole objective of finding the famous ABC shop.

"Behind the bus station ah", we were told by Thiaw Seng. We wandered blindly and to much dismay, we failed to locate the ever well known stall. Our hearts cried monkeys and bananas.

Bentong street scape



Nope, no ABC

The familiar lovely Malaysian weather started to kick in with beads of sweat dripping down our foreheads and our backs. We decided to proceed to the AIR CONDITIONED restaurant.

Guest book



The groom himself

That's us


Stage Deco

"7pm can start one lah, we all in Bentong very punctual one....", we were assured by Thiaw Seng's friends earlier at his house.

We waited for a bit before dinner was served. It was served actually on time. KL time.

". . ."

Timing issues aside, we enjoyed the dinner and shared the happiness of Thiaw Seng and Sin Liang, which was carved in sugar sweetness into their smiles that very night. We managed to pose for some shots before heading back to the big city. What a night it was.

Me and Sau Koon

Sau Koon and Wife



Me and Wife

--- END (at last) ---

To Marry A Wife - All in A Day's Work (Part 2)

Chapter 8 : The Tower

We took careful steps up the winding stairs. Booby traps could be anywhere. Not to mention land mines. Smiles on Thiaw Seng's face showed that the last thing he expected was more resistance. Boy was he so wrong. Out of thin air, the ever annoying Ji Muis puffed out from no where, again.

"MUAH HA HA HA", we heard those evil, yet familiar laughter again.

"Wei, no money no talk ah", the Ji Muis called out, forming a human shield in front of the bride's door, skillfully sticking out a hand for the loot.

"Already gave a lot ahhhhhhh!!!!", Thiaw Seng cried in such sorrow, the sun would have cried along.

"Not enough ah! not enough ah! not sincere one!!", the Ji Muis did not budge, as if the groom had gold bars tucked in his suit.

Imagine a scene at the pasar. Auntie and seller Ah Soh fighting over the price,

"Rm5 so expensive ah??"

"Very cheap liao lorrr....."

"Rm 4 la..."

"No no cannot!!"

"Can la can la!!"

The groom eventually gave in. He pulled out a BIG packet from a secret pocket. Goldren glare filled the room, so bright we had to close our eyes lest losing our sights.

The Ji Muis went bling bling, nodded non-stop with big smiles on their faces, "Ok la... open door lorrrr"

What more to say? The groom stormed in and kissed the bride. Primary objective accomplished.

Chapter 9 : Securing The Perimeter

The ceremony took place up in the tower. We retreated back down to the porch to secure the perimeter. Suddenly, like magic, food appeared out of nowhere. Boy weren't we happy.

Happy faces



Food!



More food!

Air Force One roared while we enjoyed the feast, looking out for bayangs of the enemy.

Just as we started to get comfy digging in, we saw the couple being walked out into Air Force One, royal style. Air Force One took off, hovering one big round in the Taman, leaving a permanent trail of carbon footprint.

The entourage enjoyed themselves, knowing more was to come, when they venture into the unknown, making the long journey to Bentong.

(To be continued)

To Marry A Wife - All In A Day's Work

Chapter 1 : D-3 Day

"Any news?", I almost cried, holding back hard on tears clogging the ducts.

"None at all!", Sau Koon's panicked-half-trembling voice echoed back strongly like a wavefront hitting me hard. Obviously he had hit the panic button.

It was only a few days away, or as English hao lian educated people might say, "Just around the corner LEH...". We had not heard from Thiaw Seng, the groom to be. We were invited to join his entourage to "bring back" his wife on his big day, yet no news whatsoever on any arrangements!

They say that things happen when you pray hard. Funny, because I didn't. Well, groom-to-be called in the nick of time, heroically saved our day and spared us additional mental torments.

"Meet at 6.50am, Serdang Toll", he almost sang it out.

Sau Koon and I made a secret pact that we had to play a role in not supporting the recent petrol price hike. We came up with a deadly plan - to car pool. The plan was, he and his wife pick me and my wife up. Oil and Gas companies earn less. That'll teach them. We slept soundingly knowing that we were leading a revolution.

Chapter 2: D-Day

D-Day came in a blink. I was awoken by my handphone ringing it's way up the roof. Gosh we overslept, and Sau Koon gave a courtesy call to inform that he was ALMOST here.

Goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............!!!

One can only imagine the scene - hell broke loose.

If only I had a phone booth, I might have pulled off a superman-changing-his-underwear-in-a-fraction-second trick. Heck, I only had my toilet. To much disbelief, we pulled off the impossible. We transformed head to toe from a stylo out-of-bed look to, voila ... the Entourage.

With Sau Koon hitting the pedal hard, we blended into the wind. We were faster than a speeding pullet, reaching G-Forces only fighter pilots experienced. We met up with the groom and his bodyguards right on time. That's Malaysian time - 30 minutes late.

Air Force One was a Honda CRV, engine roaring like a monster truck. The left and right wing men pilots were his school mate and Kelvin. Four heavily armed elite units on a mission. The biggest mission of Thiaw Seng's life. "Our primary objective", he briefed, "Bring me back ma' wife!". Engines rolled, we cruised in formation heading towards hostile territory. Our destination was the historiacal city of Malacca.

We sneaked pass Alor Gajah toll, then we took the trunk road leading to the enemy lines to evade detection. We stopped to regroup some mere hundreds of meters from the bride's house. Our local unit, Joseph in his Vios was waiting by the road side. He had been there from dawn, collecting intel right outside the lion's den. A brave man he was. The atmosphere was tense. Thiaw Seng did a final check before the assault, just to find that his wing man - Kelvin was no where in sight!

Chapter 3 : Leave No Men Behind

"Leave no men behind!", I saw him look into the cloudy sky and said. We waited by the roadside while Air Force One turned back to look for missing comrade. Thiaw Seng radioed Kelvin, and it seemed that he lost his way, went all the way up to Ayer Keroh.

Having not had our breakfast, our stomachs gave out. "Let's go down for kopi", SOMEBODY suggested. There we were, in a kopitiam, ordered roti bakar and drinks while waiting for the guys to get back. Being remarkable pilots, Air Force One and his wing man got back before our kopis were served. It was unbelievable. We were flabbergasted. Again, for the 2nd time of the day, hell broke loose. We were in a very very difficult decision to choose between our breakfast and regrouping for the assault.

"Breakfast or Thiaw Seng?", we had to make a decision.

A fog of silence surrealed. Thiaw Seng came marching into the kopitiam. "Leave no men behind", I saw it in his eyes. He was not gonna proceed without us. The indon maid served our drinks like lightning. Quickly and hastily, we downed our kopis like Japs downing beers during their Kan Pai sessions. Being a great leader, Thiaw Seng said "don't worry we still have time". We eventually decided to tah pao our roti bakars and regroup immediately for the assault.

We chose Thiaw Seng over breakfast.

Chapter 4 : The Assault

Air Force One pushed hit the horn like nobody's business.

"Ponnnn....Ponnnn...."

It was not just any horn. It was a war cry. In the olden days they used a war drum. It meant "Charge!!!!!". Sau Koon pushed the horn real hard. It rocked the ground like a seismic event pushing the needle high up the Richter Scale. We were now behind enemy lines.

We stormed the main entrance like a pack of wolves taking on a herd of elephants. We alighted our vehicles and went on foot. We fought our way to the bride's main gate to find ourselves blocked by barricade of female guards - the Ji Muis.

The enemy was ferocious. They held the key to the main gate. The message was pretty simple: "Prove your worth, and we MIGHT give you the key, MUAHA HA HA HA , MUAH HA HA HA HA". Cold sweat drenched our clothes. "What would they do to us ... ?".

Well, God amighty works in miraculous ways. The answer was "served" to us before our thoughts went wild.

"Endure the Four Divine Tastes - Sour, sweet, bitter and spicy", the leader read out with a smirk. "And the path to the key, unfolds.... ". Like a scene out of Narnia, four dishes appeared before our eyes.

Sweet - Sky Juice, with lotsaaaaaa sugar in it. Kelvin stood up to take the shot, bottomed up like a man.

Bitter - A plate of fresly sliced juicy bitter gourd right out from the Malaccan wet market. Low in calories and rich in fiber. We each took a slice, closed our eyes, pegged our noses, and chewed. Fear Factor Malaysian style.

Spicy - Well this is creative, Jamie at Home might have been impressed. Oranges with Chilli Padi and pepper toppings. Each bite drains some juice out from the fruit, mixes with the exotic spice, and gives some real turmoil in the gastric department. Being comrades, we downed 'em while putting on big smiles. Yummmm.....

Sour - A packet of sour plum. Can it get any easier? We passed it to Sophia and Bee Tin as it was their favourite snack.

We neutralized the 1st defence line with no casualties with the enemy retreating further back. We rocked!

Chapter 5 : The Warm Up

Thiaw Seng put his hands up to give a victorious roar. Then he took out a pack of ang pows to hand it over to the leader of the Ji Muis.

"Yerrrrr... not enough!!!!! Yerrr!!!! Yer!!!!", the Ji Muis roared in discontent.

"A lot liao! a lot liao!", Thiaw Seng defended his generousity, insisting that he had given enough.

"Yerrrr no!!!! yerrrr no!!!", the Ji Muis stood strong. It was a stand still. Alas, it seemed like an infinite loop gone wrong.

"Ok, now you have to face the Wrath of the Ji Muis" , an eerie melodic voice filled the ever condensed atmosphere. "If you think you have seen the worst, I have some good news or ya'. That was only warm up, MUAHA HA HA HA HAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!".

We were handed news paper cut-out Hawaiian style "skirts". We were impressed with the handicraft ingenuity and creativity, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that they were going to make us wear it. There we were, a group of elite trained forces on a top priorirty mission wearing skirts . We endured the humuliation of dancing and shaking our bon bons in it, caressed by a gentle breeze from nowhere, permanenetly recorded in memory cards in dozens of cameras capturing every angle of the greatest show on earth.

Chapter 6 : The Secret Weapon

"It is time", I saw the grin on the groom's face. He reached into his suit, hands dug in to a secret compartment, where no one has seen and been before. He decided that his men had endured enough. He had to put a stop to this. He grabbed his secret weapon hidden within. A weapon so great, that whoever uses it possesses unimaginable powers. He pulled out a DAMN big red envelop, and stacks of cash inside.

There was dead silence. The Ji Muis opened the packet, overwhelmed by the amounts of wealth under their noses, mouths opened like gold fishes waiting to be fed.

"Ok lahhhhhhh .... can lahhhhh......", Thiaw Seng made the final push. The entourage followed suit "CAN LAHHHHH OIII!!!! CAN LAHHH!!!!". It was so loud that Genting Highlands felt tremors.

"Ok la, can LORRRR", the Ji Muis submitted. Is there anything money can't buy?

Chapter 7 : The Ambush

Thiaw Seng held the key to the main door. He twisted it to open the gate, revealing a whole new challenge ahead. We headed to the stairs leading up to the tower. It was a smooth hike and it felt suspiciously eerie. We were expecting at least a dragon guarding the tower. The Ji Muis were no where in sight. Suddenly, Poof, out of nowhere, the Ji Muis appeared, guarding the stairway to the tower. We were ambushed in thick enemy fire.

"MUAH HA HA HA HA", we heard that evil laugh again, putting our heads in a torrential spin.

"What now ah?? I gave ang pow already WOHHHH", cried the pitiful groom.

"The bride say HOH, you have to express your love to her in this piece of paper", said the Ji Mui.

I crept up front to have a look, and the it was a Japanese cutie pie style sheet of paper, where the groom was supposed to write something mushy.

"I can't help you on this", I told Thiaw Seng.

Thiaw Seng took the pen an started scribbling the love out of his guts in Chinese. Then he handed it in, just to be retaliated by a cry from the Ji Mui, "Must also write in English LAHHHHHHH".

"HARRRrrr????", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed.

Albeit the price hike, an Auntie behind me added some petrol to the burnin' fire, "Ya lo, I cannot read mandarin, have to translate AH!".

We turned to give her a "You Beware" look, which she replied with a "Bring It On" stare.

Before you knew it, Thiaw Seng finished scribbling in English. I was pretty sure it was some I love you, you love me thing, but sadly I did not get the chance to peer into the masterpiece. The Ji Mui delivered the paper to the bride for approval. We waited for an eternity to find the groom's masterpiece not accepted, "She say you not enough creative ah!".

Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed for the second time.

We splashed water on his face to bring him back. The Ji Muis smirked, and said "Ok lah, Sin Liang asked you to sing her a song to declare your love".

Thiaw Seng's eyes lighted up. The Karaoke King ate microphones just for this day. For a brief moment we smelled the fume of victory from the gushing air under the rotating fan. There was a halo coming out from his head.

The Ji Muis panicked, "Sing ah!! sing now ah!!!".

"What to sing lahhhh!?!?!?!?!?!?", we yelled in unison.

"YAH HOH", the embarassed Ji Mui replied. We smiled in our hearts that victory was within grasp.

"Sing Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin", she yelled out loud.

Thiaw Seng sang the first 3 lines, then we sang in unison, world class standard, a song that touched so many people's hearts. We were so confident that we all had halos stickin' out of our heads. Mana tau, Simon Cowell said "Sin Liang say NOT LOUD enough! Sing again!!".

"Aiyooooooooh", Thiaw Seng pengsan-ed again.

We repeated the scene once again like Deja Vu. Sin Liang's father was behind me and whispered to me "Don't play so long ah, we need to go to Bentong".

I replied with my most sorrow, angelic cum innocent expression, "We also wish ah, but they don't let wohhh". :~(

Sin Liang's father tapped on my shoulder and heads down, we sighed together.

"OK LAHHHHHHH!!!", evil voices from the Ji Muis broke the train of thoughts running through my head. Seemed like Thiaw Seng had managed to suppress the resistance with another big packet of ang pow.

We charged up the stairs, heading up to the tower.

(To be continued)